The Art of Queuing.

As a nation we, the British, are meant to be very good at queuing. The unwritten rule of no jumping or pushing in is upheld by a strong subconscious moral fiber embedded from a young age. This way everyone will be served in a fair and ordered fashion. Just how we like it.
And we do this. We do this very well. We are good at standing in a line, one behind another, slowly shuffling forward like coin operated penguins. However while the basic rule are almost universally upheld there are so many things that people do in queues that single them out as completely brain dead cretins. Here, for educational purposes, I give you the dos and do nots of queuing.

Do
Stand quietly and respectfully keeping all thoughts, feelings and ideas to yourself. If you are accompanied by a fellow human (or a “friend” as so many trendy hipsters are saying these days to describe other carbon based life forms with similar tastes and interests) I suppose it is acceptable to talk but everyone would be much happier if you didn’t.

Do not
Talk about the unacceptable length of the queue just loud enough so that the people serving you hear but not loud enough for it to seem like you’re being a nuisance. No one is forcing you to queue and a long queue is far more of an inconvenience for us than it is for you. So shut your cakehole and be patient.

Do
Know exactly what you want when you get to the head of the queue. If ordering for other people, treat the list of drinks like it is an important exam. Revise that shit in your head until you can recite it as easily as a twenty year old can recite The Fresh Prince of Bel Air rap. There’s nothing more annoying than someone shouting half way across the store because they can’t remember if Aunt Agatha wanted a decaf, soya latte or a single shot, semi skimmed cappuccino.

Do not
Queue alone if you’re ordering food and drink for your entire extended family. You only have two hands dipshit. You can’t carry £30 worth of coffee and cheesecake on your own. Don’t expect a platoon of pygmies or Umpa Lumpas to appear out of nowhere and escort your food to your table for you.

Do
Be succinct and quick as possible. Try and have money ready at the till.

Do not
Be an unfathomable bellend and buy a 75p chocolate bar with a credit card. Sure we accept them but that doesn’t mean we encourage it. Cards take about four times longer than cash. There’s probably a cash point across the road anyway.

Do
Be as efficient as possible while ordering. Know what you want and say it. We’re not asking you to be polite, just quick. In fact I hate it when people are polite because then I am forced to be nice back and then there is a danger of some sort of minor emotional attachment forming. That’s like a farmer being friends with his cabbages. Yes, I called you a cabbage. What are you going to do about it?

Do not
Tell me about about your day/your job/your pets/your loved ones. I’ve got a queue up to my eye balls and not one person gives a shit about your grannies hip operation.

Do
Be thankful I didn’t spit in your coffee (although this rule is flexible depending on my mood).

Do not
Expect to be served in decent time or with a smile on a weekend. It’s inevitable that we’re going to be packed all day Saturday and Sunday just like it was inevitable that someone would eventually produce some hot Na’vi hentai.

Do
Think twice about coming in. In many ways the most important rule of all. Just ask yourself, “Is it really worth my while to stand in long queue and be served by an angry underachiever only to have to pay ridiculous amount of money for a drink you could make a home?” If the answer is no then fuck off and bother someone else.

I hope you're all a little more educated now. I'm off to pick flint from my belly button while longing for the touch of a beautiful woman.

I hope you all have a rotten day.