Let’s play Coffeeshop Bingo

Hey everyone! Here’s a fun game you can all play at your local coffee emporium (although I use the word “fun” in the loosest possible way). The rules are simple; take my scorecard from bellow, head to your local Starbucks/Costa/Nero/Coffee Republic/other soulless multinational coffee Reich, buy a coffee, sit down and spend some quality time gawking at people like a potential sex offender. Every time you see one of these coffee shop sights score some points. There are even potential bonuses. Yay!

Mental, middle aged divorcée
Score: 30 points
She comes in at the break of dawn everyday and smiles as if her life isn’t a worthless series of lonely moments. Always is talking about how she’s going to bring in her kids sometime for some family time. She’s been saying it for the past seven years. The kids have never come in.
Score 10 Bonus points: Out of the corner of her eye you catch a single rolling tear as she has the brief realization that she is dying alone.

Cuntish, Student Toffs
Score: 10 points
Posh, rich, trust-fund motherfuckers that sit in large groups scoffing obnoxiously at everyone around them and sniffing their own collective, self satisfied farts. All of them are intolerable cunts.
Score 10 bonus points: One of them mentions something that “daddy” has just brought them.

Constantly Buzzing Accountant
Score: 20 points
Wired on a diet consisting of sixteen double espressos and a blueberry yogurt, this guy sits at his laptop furiously typing away at a small mountain of financial spreadsheets and business power-point presentations. Strenuously overworked because he had to fire his interns as a result of the recession, he’s just two clicks away from putting his first through his monitor. Ask him how his day is and his face will explode.
Score 10 Bonus points: He pulls out clumps of his hair every time his Blackberry goes off.

High-Vizz wearing, Neanderthal Bastard
Score: 10 points
Comes in with his St George’s Cross tattoo visibly showing, orders a coffee and makes a loud, laddish, Danny Dyeresque “witticism” about how in the good old days coffee was just coffee and you didn’t have all this continental, cappuccino nonsense.
Score 10 Bonus points: The middle class barista serving him has donned an embarrassing and patronizing Mockney accent and is asking, “Did you catch the footie at the weekend?” as if they are soul buddies. Neanderthal Bastard hates this.

Anti-establishment Rocker
Score 20 points
Still has dreadlocks, wears Che Guevara T-shirts and listens to Rage Against the Machine for their political insights at the age of 32. Sits in a corporate coffee shop, drinks Lattes and carries a Macbook. Spends all afternoon writing angsty, left wing, anti-corporate poetry while sitting in a Starbucks. Doesn’t get the irony.

Laptop Hemingway Prick
Score 30 points
Sits with his laptop on display for the whole world, so that everyone can see his is working on his Magnum Opus. When asked how his day is he will go into a long tirade about how he can’t get the third act of his novel to tie together. Will then go on to tell you the plot of his novel for the sixteenth time in painstaking detail. 100% self involved. Doesn’t realise anyone else exists.
Score 10 bonus points: Laptop Hemingway is complaining of writers block yet again.

Confused Asians
Score 10 points
Large groups of Japanese tourists all gazing at the pricing board, utterly dumbfounded by the massive amount of options with no idea what any of them are. Will take a stab in the dark at ordering something and then look visibly disappointing when presented with their drink as it is clearly not what they thought they were getting.
Score 10 Bonus points: If they are pulling peace signs as they pose for pictures.

Fascist Espresso Mussolini
Score 40 points
Old Italian tourist that has ridiculously high standards for his double espressos. Will return two or three to the bar complaining that they are too weak/strong/bitter/flavourless.
Score 10 bonus points: Espresso Mussolini is accompanied by painfully beautiful daughter that is distracting the barista from making her fathers espresso.

Batty Old Ladies
Score 10 points
Two batty old women that look like they’ve just come off the set of Coronation Street. Sit with a cup of tea and babble endlessly to each other about the weather or a relatives wedding . Scared of foreigners.
Score 10 bonus points: Batty old ladies mention how cold it is outside to the strangers sitting next to them as if they are proclaiming some previously unrevealed secret.

Depressed, Semi Competent Employee
Score 10 points
Has the glazed look of a man sucked of his soul, repetitively serving coffee after coffee in an endless cycle of self pity. Forced to smile at customers by his manager who he hates. Has the burden of cooperate weight bearing down on his shoulders at all time. Hates everyone. Probably blogs about it.
Score 10 bonus points: Semi Competent Employee has a look that suggests he wishes a plane would fly into the building and incinerate everyone in a raging fireball.